...sure, ok.

Deep in darkness, she resides

No ray of light left in those eyes

Once vibrant, hopeful, full of life

Now she only waits to die

The world outside, so cold and cruel

Broke her down, made her its fool

There's no escape, nowhere to hide

Consumed by all their wicked lies

She'll shed no tears, it's all in vain

All she craves is an end to pain

She knows they're craving her demise

And that they'll never hear her cries

Of anguish, buried down so deep

Her screams ring out, even as she sleeps

There's no safey from this despair

A heart so crushed, beyond repair

Now bid farewell, the time is here

To fly so far away from this fear

With one quick flash, a seering pain

She's ready to be born again

Above this world that dragged her down

One day, she will regain her crown

Until then, she'll sleep deep, in peace

Savouring the sweet release

Of Death's own cold embrace...

--
"They tied a knot on my life, it gets tighter when I try to hide..." Sonata Arctica, They Follow

...

Just once, I wish she would listen to me and let me talk about what's bothering me without interrupting me. I know she thinks I'm being stupid. I know she doesn't understand why I'm scared or upset. But I wish she would just listen. Just once. Not change the subject to how a band was booed offstage, or how cute Alexi Laiho is, or how she wants to stalk his girlfriend or whatever...just once, listen to me about me and my life, the life we want to have together. Just...once...

Grrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really wish that had been a blade and not my keys this morning. I really, really fucking do. It was so, so easy to just slash and not even think about it. I wish that it was that easy with my blade. I wish that I could just fucking do it and put everyone out of my misery. It would be so simple. So quick. Relatively painless, I suppose, since I'm used to the pain of cutting. Just bleed out, shiver a little, and go to sleep. So easy...

*sigh*

Yes, I know I'm fucking in the head. No, there's nothing anyone can do about it. Years of abuse and depression and feeling worthless and loss and heartache and pain have made me this way. You can't take that shit back, no matter how hard you try. So, I am what I am. Take it or leave it. You can't change me, and at the end of the day, I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't feel this way.

And yes, I also realize that this time of year is particularly difficult for me, anyway. I realize that, maybe, once September comes and the 10 year anniversary of my daughter's death isn't looming over me like some dark, toxic cloud, maybe I won't feel so much like I want to die. Or at least cause myself as much pain as I can possibly manage without dying. I know that this is all seriously fucking with me right now, on top of everything else. I'm stressed out to the point where I can barely think straight half the time, and all I want to do is crawl in a hole and disappear from everyone and everything, forever.

...then again, maybe I'll want to die evey more so that I can be with her. I miss her with every fibre of my being. With every breath that I take and every beat of my heart. I can't believe it's been almost 10 years since my heart and soul was ripped away from me. Fuck. FuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK!

The worst part is, I can't even cry right now. The tears are there, and they want to fall, but I'm at work and I seriously don't feel like answering any questions...

*sigh*

I would also like to know what the Hell is wrong with being upset when you wake up 15 minutes into your shift, have no time to eat or so much as get a drink of water, barely have time to put CLOTHES on your body and have to run out the door without packing a lunch. My parents told me that I "have a serious problem" if I can't get myself out of bed in time for work (so fucking sorry my phone shut off and, therefore, my alarm COULDN'T go off! You were both awake, why didn't you come get me!?!?!?!?), and will be talking to me about my "lifestyle and attitude" at some point this weekend. Fuck that noise. I am almost 30 years old. I pay for my own food, I pay for the internet and cable to stay turned on, I pay part of the electric bill, and I have offered to pay you rent. What I do with my time is my business. If I want to stay up until 4 or 5 in the morning and sleep til 10 or 12, then that is MY decision. None of this is hurting you, so stay the fuck out of it and let me live my life. If my phone hadn't shut off, I would have been fine to get to work at 10am, even though I was up until almost 4, so you can't blame this on my sleeping habits. It just doesn't work. And telling me in one breath that I need to eat healthier and then in the next saying that $50 in food should last me at least 2 1/2 weeks is a fucking oxymoron, just so you know. $50 worth of ramen and junk might last me 2 1/2 weeks, but salad and fruit and cereal is expensive.

*SCREAMS AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS*

*breathes*

...I wish I could say I felt better...hahaha.

"Wake up, I only want to wake up..."

There is a part of me that feels like it has been trapped in a nightmare for the past 10 years. I can't seem to wake that part of my heart up and let it see that, in spite of the fac that she's not here, life goes on. Occasionally, that part takes over all of my being, and, naturally, now is one of those times.  It's exactly 2 months and 1 day shy of 10 years since my daughter was taken from me. Every fibre of my being misses her every single day. I can't help but wonder why I couldn't have died with her, or followed shortly thereafter. God knows I tried. But, for one reason or another, I would always end up waking up after the handfuls of pills and bottles of booze, and the cuts would clot. Even in my darkest hour, I couldn't even take my own life to be with my angel, my baby girl. Something was keeping me from her, still.

 

...I'm starting to think that maybe, just maybe, I can beat that something, this time. I mean, 10 years of pain and heartbreak is enough, isn't it? I want to be with her. I want to be able to take care of her, and I can't do that here. My angel is in Heaven...if you believe there is such a thing. Is it so wrong for a mother to want to join her child? Is it...?

 

Time will tell. If I make it past August 19th, it might just be a miracle.

Why today?

I'm used to February, April, August and November being really, really hard times for me. They all play a rather significant role in my pregnancy with my daughter. However, May usually doesn't get to me this badly, at least nto about this situation. So why today? Why am I having such a hard time simply getting through the day because my heart aches so badly because I miss her so, so much? I don't understand it. She came to me in a dream last night, and she was so beautiful, so perfect...so full of smiles and love and life that when I woke up I almost expected to find that the past 9 1/2 years were a bad dream and find her there in bed beside me. But no. I woke up alone, with tears running down my cheeks. I love when she comes to see me and lets me know that she's ok, but God, it hurts to have to let her go again. Whoever said that time heals all wounds obviously never lost a child. My heart will forever be broken, and these tears will never dry. I can't believe it will be 10 years in August since I lost her...

I love you, Trinity Rose. With all my heart and soul, forever. Mommy misses you more than she can ever express. Come back soon, my darling angel.

What. The. Fuck

After all the grief and pain and heartache and anxiety and BULLSHIT those two have put me through. After all the support I have given them when no one else would. After all of that, now that she finally told him she loves him, I get shoved aside. Like I don't even matter. Neither of them have said more than 2 words to me today. I went over to near where they were sitting to put something away and they immediately went all hush hush and glared me down until I walked away, then started giggling like a couple of school girls with a first crush. Whatever. I just don't care anymore. I can't care anymore. Never again. No more. I am not getting involved. I don't CARE.

Oh, and before I forget...

If anyone ever wonders why I choose to keep to myself, for the most part, today is a perfect example. Nicole is working. So is Rick. I didn't sit near Rick because I figured Evan would want to when he comes in. I figured Nicole and I would sit together, and she could go to lunch with Rick. But what happens? I'm left alone, and she goes to sit with him. Typical, so typical. Whatever. Honestly, I'd rather be alone...I can listen to my iPod and let Tuomas, Alexi and Tony sing/play away my sorrows...

"Body like a roadmap of pain..."

"...mind like a landfill of shame."

Allu, I love you. Truly, I do.

As much as I hate to admit this, and who doesn't?, I think I may have finally reached a breaking point. For real. I just...feel like I can't even breathe most of the time, lately. It's not a pleasant feeling and I really don't know what to do about it. I don;t know how much longer I can take this. And it's not even like I can really pinpoint the cause anymore. It's like everything is just piling on top of itself and the sheer weight of it all is threatening to crush me.

I want to kick and scream and cry and break things. I want to smash my fists into walls and throw things and listen to that crash when they shatter. And then I want to sit down and cut and get wasted and just forget about everything going on around me. But I can't. I can't do that, because I'm not "allowed" to fall apart. Everyone else around me has "issues" that are "real" or "more important" than what I'm "going through" (and I put all of that in quotations because it's nothing but pure bullshit, but I digress...) No one can see that I'm falling apart at the seams. No one can see that I'm fucked up beyond hope. No one sees that this pain is slowly killing me from the inside out...and yes, I know, that is partially my fault. I won't let them see. I won't let them understand. Because honestly? Even if I tried, they wouldn't understand. They can't understand...

I had a dream the other night. The same dream I've had thousands of times over the past nine and a half years. I dreamt of that horrible day when I held my cold, lifeless daughter in my arms; of that one moment, however heartbreaking and fleeting, where I was actually a mother. I know that she was dead long before I gave birth to her, but for that brief moment in time I felt like I was complete. And then they took her away from me, both in reality and in my dreams, and a piece of my heart went with her. With my angel. My one and only true love in this God forsaken world (ok, yes, I realize there are exceptions to this rule, and you know who you are...I love you all so dearly <3) This dream always fucks me up but, for some reason, it really tore me down, this time. I can't get the images out of my mind, and I can't erase the feeling of her cold body resting in my warm arms...fuck...

I know that I should go back on my medication. At the very least it keeps me from sinking so far down that I'm afraid that I'll drown in my own self-loathing at any moment. But I hate the way it makes me numb inside. I hate the way it takes all emotion away from me. It doesn't make me happy by any stretch of the imagination; it simply makes me lifeless, unable to feel. That's no way to live. I would rather suffer this pain a thousand times over than to spend the rest of my existence numb. I can't breathe when I can't feel...

Anyway...I could go on and on for hours, but since I'm at work, I suppose I should end this here. More to come. There's just so much going on in my head, heart and soul...not to mention all the shit on the outside...

*sigh*

"Body like a roadmap of pain...mind like a landfill of shame..." <3 Tie My Rope, CoB

This is what I want...

Blooddrunk
Lyrics: Alexi Laiho

They say drinking is a way to die
But at the end... Dying is a way to drink

Unquenchable thirst burns you inside
The ruins of already burnt out mind
Inexhaustable craving for something
You're already crying

Degenerate drunk with a razor blade
Strung out spilling your own blood
Exterminate scars already made
Ready for another drink, can you wait?

Detoxing, here come the withdrawals
whispering Maybe you've gone too far
Deep within things are getting hot
Can't deny, take another shot

Blooddrunk - Wasted again
All the pain inside will fade
Blooddrunk - You call me insane
Degenerate bloodrunk with a razor blade

Degenerate drunk with a razor blade
Strung out spilling your own blood
Exterminate scars already made
Ready for another drink, can you wait?

Blooddrunk - Wasted again
All the pain inside will fade
Blooddrunk - You call me insane
Degenerate bloodrunk with a razor blade

 

But instead, I'll settle for some white russians.

The lines are drawn...

...and somehow I think I ended up on the wrong side of all of this. Somehow, in this moment, I'm the bad guy, and I don't get it. I only delivered the message. I had nothing to do with what was written, what was said. And yet here I am, getting the cold shoulder and the death glares. I mean, I realize he's not here. She can't give him the looks. But I don't deserve it at all. I didn't do this. I have no blame. For once in my life, I am actually completely innocent, unless encouraging two people you care about to try and be happy makes me guilty. Perhaps it does. I don't know anymore.

 

All I know is that as far as I can see right in this moment, the final blow has been dealt. Now it's simply a question of one or both parties admitting defeat and retreating to lick their wounds.

Needled 24/7
Music & lyrics: Alexi Laiho

Since day one I've been crass and far beyond.
I couldn't laugh, I couldn't cry...
Before you gauge me, take a look at yourself
Condescending, outlivin' in a lie..

Despite all the pain in my heart grinding through,
it ain't due that you hate that I hate what you do.

Despite all the piety you've been consuming thus far,
a backstabbing motherfucker to the bone is what you are.

And everyday when the knife in my back starts to twinge n' turn,
My eyes are catching fire and my heart starts to burn
A foot away from you is like a bit closer to heaven,
Then again it's like being Needled 24/7

You look down to me to see the scum of the earth to be
Fuck yeah, that's me, vile and obscene
Hey, I aint happy about it but at least I don't judge and decree
to be better than another human being.

Despite all the piety you've been consuming thus far,
Hey, would somebody tell me WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON???

And everyday when the knife in my back starts to twinge n' turn,
My eyes are catching fire and my heart starts to burn.
A foot away from you is like a bit closer to heaven,
Then again it's like being Needled 24/7

It's like a bad movie...

Have you ever had one of those moments in your life where you feel like you're watching a really bad movie? You want to get up and turn it off, but something inside of you won't let you; there's a compulsion to see it through til the end and find out what happens. That's how I feel right now. Everything that's happening around me feels like it's just a really, really horrible movie laced up with every cliche and bad feeling imaginable. I want to stop it. I want to look away. I can't. I know it's all going to end badly and I really, really, really don't want to be around for the inevitable explosion but, unfortunately, it's not really a movie and there's no escaping. I'm stuck here waiting and watching with baited breath for it all to go up in smoke and then, once the smoke and flames are cleared up, I have to pick up the pieces. I'm not strong enough for this. I don't have the ability to put this all back together...for anyone. I'm being pulled in too many different directions and I feel like I'm going to snap. It should be so simple, but it's not. Not at all. In fact, the more time goes on, the more complicated it gets. And it hurts. It hurts that I have no way to fix this, no way to even really help ease the blow. Either way, it's not going to be pretty. No matter what happens, it's all going to fall apart. And the worst part? Even once the credits are finished rolling, we'll just rewind and do it all over again. Fuck. My. Life.

Happy Easter

Yeah, that's just the title. I don't really care about Easter anymore, as I'm sure you know if you're reading this. It just seemed appropriate, given that today is Easter. Anyway...

Having a great time here with Melpet <3 Going to see Sonata tomorrow and now we're both starting to get really excited. I wish this weekend could last forever.

Yeah, I know. Cheap, short update. So sue me. Peace.

...maybe we'll all meet again someday, in a better time, a better place. I can't do this anymore. My strength is drained. My heart is broken. I cannot take anymore abuse. I love you all. I will miss you terribly. But this is where I say goodbye.

The Downward Spiral

I almost slipped last night. I came so close. I wanted to so badly. To feel the pain, to see the blood, to taste it. Fighting off these urges and cravings is becoming more and more exhausting with each day that passes, and I fear that I truly will not be able to last much longer. I know that I have to control it to a point, but what is the harm in make a few cuts? If it helps, why should I try to fight it anymore? I need the relief. I can't keep doing this. The emotional pain in my heart is too much, and I need some form of release before I snap.

 

On top of that, things are getting incredibly stressful at work and at home. Rick and Nicole are sort of dating, sort of not, and I'm getting caught in the middle of it. I mean, yes, it's nice to get both sides of the story because they both talk to me, but at the same time it's...strange and uncomfortable. I don't know. I just want them both to be happy, and unfortunately, the only way my brother can be happy right now is to be with her, but I'm not sure that's what's going to happen. She is so indecisive and confused about what she wants, and she's hurting him. I know that she's hurting too, but he's my brother. He is my priority. Blah. And then at home Mom and Dad are constantly fighting over money and a bunch of other things, we have to start paying our half of the mortgage and water bill and garbage collection...Mom says that we'll be ok, but she hasn't been to work at all this week so she's getting no money next week, and Dad makes about half of what he used to. I don't know what to do. I've applied for a second job at a few places, but no one is calling me back. I have money I could help them with, but...perkele. I don't know. I'm at my wits end.

 

My dreams have been getting darker and darker over the past few weeks. I'm used to having nightmares, but for awhile there were at least a few good dreams thrown in here and there. Lately, they are all filled with fear and pain and sorrow. I don't think that I'm going to go into details here; you can ask me if you really want to know, but I make no promises that I will actually tell you. They are frightening enough for me, and I know that everyone is already worried about me, I don't need to make things worse. I just wish I could find a way to regain control over my dreams, at least to a point. It doesn't matter what I do, I can't get away from the nightmares, and the good dreams have all but abandoned me.

 

Which leads me to another point. I go to bed around 3 or 4 in the morning, but I don't actually fall asleep until 5 or 6. And then, even once I fall asleep, I wake up at least 3 times in the night because of nightimares (I tend to wake up once they're over...and remember every vivid detail.), and then when my alarm goes off I just hit snooze until I'm having to rush to get ready for work. I haven't taken a proper shower in over a week, they're always like 5 minutes just to rinse off, and I'm really getting tired of it. I'm physically and mentally exhausted, physically ill all the time...I've had enough.

 

Anyway...I think I've rambled on long enough. Time to get to work.

That's it. I'm done. Just done. Finished. Can't do it anymore. I give up.

Okay, now I'm just pissed off.

I can't fucking believe she did that. What the Hell?!? Get a fucking clue, would you?! I'm not trying to get a day off for the fun of it! Don't tell my father that I need to get to work and get him all up in my ass! That's just ridiculous! I am not a fucking child! I know what I need to do, and I will be there as soon as I can! Don't you realize that you're only stressing me out further? I don't need this shit. I really don't. I don't need everyone here fucking pissed off at me because I'm trying to be a good daughter and take care of my mother! This is so fucking stupid. FUCK. I hate this shit. Bullshit. WHATEVER!

F. M. L.

So, I am beyond frustrated right now. Some of the reasons I am frustrated right now I won't get into here; those will probably remain private, even though I am sure certain people are already well aware of them. However...

Right now, I am really, really frustrated with work. I'm sorry that my mother is sick. I'm sorry that you give us only 1 hour of sick time every paycheck so we almost never have time in our banks. I'm sorry that my brother made plans for the day that I don't have the heart to ruin. I'm sorry that my father is working today. I don't know what I'm expected to do. My sister lives 2 hours away, she can't help out. My grandmother is senile, she can't do anything to help. I worry about my mother, constantly. She's peeing blood. She's throwing up. She's in so much pain that she can't hardly stand up, and that's after taking percocet and oxycontin! I am not letting her drive herself to the doctor at 4:15. I'm sorry, just no. You can lecture me as much as you want. I'll be in when I can be. If I can be. Right now, yelling at me is only pissing me off and sending me into a panic attack. Grrr...

I need to go get ready so that I can take her to the doctor. And then probably go to work and be miserable for 5 or 6 hours. Whatever. FML.

Ups and Downs

Actually, I probably should have titled this "Downs and Ups" since they always say you're supposed to give bad news first, but...we'll just go with it, huh?

 

Downs:

Mom is still sick. She thinks it's just her period, but she can barely stand up. I wish I had the time to stay with her again today, because Dad is working another 13 hour shift, so she's home alone for the rest of the night now. Blah. I'll probably try to call her on my dinner break and make sure that she's doing ok. I just worry...

 

I can't seem to pull myself together, at least not for my own sake. I can fake it really well for everyone else, but I know deep in my heart and mind that I am really, really not ok. I know it seems stupid to be putting this here where I know people can see it when I say I want to keep it together for them, but honestly? I'm not going to open up without a bit of prodding and a Hell of a lot of patience. Everything is just so overwhelming right now; dealing with the rape, the miscarriage, my brother's issues, my sister's issues, my mom being sick, my dad being depressed (even though he won't admit it)...there's really too much to list off right now. I want to get better, I really do, but I don't know how. I don't know how to fix myself this time, and I'm scared. I would give anything to simply rely on my blade and quench this bloodlust, but I made a promise...and she'll kill me if I break that promise...perkele...

 

Ups:

 

Well...really only one thing I can think of right now. My vacation time for Valentine's weekend is officially approved and on the schedule, so in 2 1/2 weeks I can be with my best friend for 4 whole days. Thank God. I need this. Mel needs this. We just have to hold out a little longer...17 days...

 

Anyway, gotta get my ass in gear. Huzzah.

For all of my dearest friends

I know that only some of you will see this. Ebony, you'll probably see it right away. Mel, I hope you stumble upon this entry sooner rather than later.

I am truly sorry for everything that I have put you through. You don't know how much I wish I could take it all back. I wish that I had kept my mouth shut and never told you the truth, because it has only made things worse. I am sorry for hurting you. I am sorry for worrying you.

I have given this a lot of thought and, after Christmas, I am going to see if my doctor will consider admitting me into a psychiatric hospital. I know it won't really solve anything, because it never has before, but at least then I'll have tried. I'll have tried the one thing I have left to try and make things better.

I will miss you all so much because if I do get admitted, I will not be allowed to contact you. However, maybe when I come back I'll be better and I won't do nothing but upset you all, all the time.

Please accept my apologies, and I will do my best to get better. Take care of each other while I am gone.

With all my love, heart and soul,
Erica

WTF?!

And here's a big WTF to my layout disappearing. Grrr, I'm so pissed! It was so pretty and...and pretty and and urgh! Whoever made it originally let their photobucket account go inactive, so my whole background was just "'s account has been deactivated, inactive for over 90 days." LAME! Now I'll have to find a new layout over the weekend. Wonderful...

Metallica!!!

So after about 20 years of listening to their music, I finally get to go see Metallica live!TONIGHT!!!! Rick should be here to pick me up in about 45 minutes, and judging from the text messages he was sending me earlier today, he's almost as excited about this as I am. Jared (one of my oldest, dearest friends) is also really psyched, he's a HUGE Metallica fan, and actually the reason why Rick decided we were going to this concert in the first place. I'm kinda bummed that Leslie made us give away our floor tickets because she didn't wanna stand the whole time, but at least I won't be trampled and extremely sore for work tomorrow. Unfortunately (although they are better live than on the albums) Volbeat is opening for them, so I get to see them again as well, but they also have Lamb of God opening, and they're pretty good.

AHHHH!!! METALLICA!!! AHHHH!!!!

I really hope they play Nothing Else Matters, and I know they'll do Enter Sandman. Sadly, I didn't really get into their two newer albums, so I probably won't know a lot of what they play, but that's okay because IT'S FUCKING METALLICA.

Off to get ready, full report when I get home/tomorrow depending on how tired I am.

\m/

Happy Halloween!

Well, I don't really get to celebrate my favorite holiday this year because, sadly, I have to be at work until midnight, but I thought I'd wish everyone else a Happy Halloween! My "costume" is a bit of a...well, non-costume, but this is the only day I'll get away with letting Selene dress us and be able to go to work without changing, so I suppose it's still a win.



Now off to Wegmans to buy some candy and such to nibble on at work, and then work for 7 hours! Woohoo!

Because I can, that's why.