I almost slipped last night. I came so close. I wanted to so badly. To feel the pain, to see the blood, to taste it. Fighting off these urges and cravings is becoming more and more exhausting with each day that passes, and I fear that I truly will not be able to last much longer. I know that I have to control it to a point, but what is the harm in make a few cuts? If it helps, why should I try to fight it anymore? I need the relief. I can't keep doing this. The emotional pain in my heart is too much, and I need some form of release before I snap.
On top of that, things are getting incredibly stressful at work and at home. Rick and Nicole are sort of dating, sort of not, and I'm getting caught in the middle of it. I mean, yes, it's nice to get both sides of the story because they both talk to me, but at the same time it's...strange and uncomfortable. I don't know. I just want them both to be happy, and unfortunately, the only way my brother can be happy right now is to be with her, but I'm not sure that's what's going to happen. She is so indecisive and confused about what she wants, and she's hurting him. I know that she's hurting too, but he's my brother. He is my priority. Blah. And then at home Mom and Dad are constantly fighting over money and a bunch of other things, we have to start paying our half of the mortgage and water bill and garbage collection...Mom says that we'll be ok, but she hasn't been to work at all this week so she's getting no money next week, and Dad makes about half of what he used to. I don't know what to do. I've applied for a second job at a few places, but no one is calling me back. I have money I could help them with, but...perkele. I don't know. I'm at my wits end.
My dreams have been getting darker and darker over the past few weeks. I'm used to having nightmares, but for awhile there were at least a few good dreams thrown in here and there. Lately, they are all filled with fear and pain and sorrow. I don't think that I'm going to go into details here; you can ask me if you really want to know, but I make no promises that I will actually tell you. They are frightening enough for me, and I know that everyone is already worried about me, I don't need to make things worse. I just wish I could find a way to regain control over my dreams, at least to a point. It doesn't matter what I do, I can't get away from the nightmares, and the good dreams have all but abandoned me.
Which leads me to another point. I go to bed around 3 or 4 in the morning, but I don't actually fall asleep until 5 or 6. And then, even once I fall asleep, I wake up at least 3 times in the night because of nightimares (I tend to wake up once they're over...and remember every vivid detail.), and then when my alarm goes off I just hit snooze until I'm having to rush to get ready for work. I haven't taken a proper shower in over a week, they're always like 5 minutes just to rinse off, and I'm really getting tired of it. I'm physically and mentally exhausted, physically ill all the time...I've had enough.
Anyway...I think I've rambled on long enough. Time to get to work.
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