There is a part of me that feels like it has been trapped in a nightmare for the past 10 years. I can't seem to wake that part of my heart up and let it see that, in spite of the fac that she's not here, life goes on. Occasionally, that part takes over all of my being, and, naturally, now is one of those times. It's exactly 2 months and 1 day shy of 10 years since my daughter was taken from me. Every fibre of my being misses her every single day. I can't help but wonder why I couldn't have died with her, or followed shortly thereafter. God knows I tried. But, for one reason or another, I would always end up waking up after the handfuls of pills and bottles of booze, and the cuts would clot. Even in my darkest hour, I couldn't even take my own life to be with my angel, my baby girl. Something was keeping me from her, still.
...I'm starting to think that maybe, just maybe, I can beat that something, this time. I mean, 10 years of pain and heartbreak is enough, isn't it? I want to be with her. I want to be able to take care of her, and I can't do that here. My angel is in Heaven...if you believe there is such a thing. Is it so wrong for a mother to want to join her child? Is it...?
Time will tell. If I make it past August 19th, it might just be a miracle.
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