Grrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really wish that had been a blade and not my keys this morning. I really, really fucking do. It was so, so easy to just slash and not even think about it. I wish that it was that easy with my blade. I wish that I could just fucking do it and put everyone out of my misery. It would be so simple. So quick. Relatively painless, I suppose, since I'm used to the pain of cutting. Just bleed out, shiver a little, and go to sleep. So easy...

*sigh*

Yes, I know I'm fucking in the head. No, there's nothing anyone can do about it. Years of abuse and depression and feeling worthless and loss and heartache and pain have made me this way. You can't take that shit back, no matter how hard you try. So, I am what I am. Take it or leave it. You can't change me, and at the end of the day, I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't feel this way.

And yes, I also realize that this time of year is particularly difficult for me, anyway. I realize that, maybe, once September comes and the 10 year anniversary of my daughter's death isn't looming over me like some dark, toxic cloud, maybe I won't feel so much like I want to die. Or at least cause myself as much pain as I can possibly manage without dying. I know that this is all seriously fucking with me right now, on top of everything else. I'm stressed out to the point where I can barely think straight half the time, and all I want to do is crawl in a hole and disappear from everyone and everything, forever.

...then again, maybe I'll want to die evey more so that I can be with her. I miss her with every fibre of my being. With every breath that I take and every beat of my heart. I can't believe it's been almost 10 years since my heart and soul was ripped away from me. Fuck. FuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK!

The worst part is, I can't even cry right now. The tears are there, and they want to fall, but I'm at work and I seriously don't feel like answering any questions...

*sigh*

I would also like to know what the Hell is wrong with being upset when you wake up 15 minutes into your shift, have no time to eat or so much as get a drink of water, barely have time to put CLOTHES on your body and have to run out the door without packing a lunch. My parents told me that I "have a serious problem" if I can't get myself out of bed in time for work (so fucking sorry my phone shut off and, therefore, my alarm COULDN'T go off! You were both awake, why didn't you come get me!?!?!?!?), and will be talking to me about my "lifestyle and attitude" at some point this weekend. Fuck that noise. I am almost 30 years old. I pay for my own food, I pay for the internet and cable to stay turned on, I pay part of the electric bill, and I have offered to pay you rent. What I do with my time is my business. If I want to stay up until 4 or 5 in the morning and sleep til 10 or 12, then that is MY decision. None of this is hurting you, so stay the fuck out of it and let me live my life. If my phone hadn't shut off, I would have been fine to get to work at 10am, even though I was up until almost 4, so you can't blame this on my sleeping habits. It just doesn't work. And telling me in one breath that I need to eat healthier and then in the next saying that $50 in food should last me at least 2 1/2 weeks is a fucking oxymoron, just so you know. $50 worth of ramen and junk might last me 2 1/2 weeks, but salad and fruit and cereal is expensive.

*SCREAMS AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS*

*breathes*

...I wish I could say I felt better...hahaha.