Actually, I probably should have titled this "Downs and Ups" since they always say you're supposed to give bad news first, but...we'll just go with it, huh?
Downs:
Mom is still sick. She thinks it's just her period, but she can barely stand up. I wish I had the time to stay with her again today, because Dad is working another 13 hour shift, so she's home alone for the rest of the night now. Blah. I'll probably try to call her on my dinner break and make sure that she's doing ok. I just worry...
I can't seem to pull myself together, at least not for my own sake. I can fake it really well for everyone else, but I know deep in my heart and mind that I am really, really not ok. I know it seems stupid to be putting this here where I know people can see it when I say I want to keep it together for them, but honestly? I'm not going to open up without a bit of prodding and a Hell of a lot of patience. Everything is just so overwhelming right now; dealing with the rape, the miscarriage, my brother's issues, my sister's issues, my mom being sick, my dad being depressed (even though he won't admit it)...there's really too much to list off right now. I want to get better, I really do, but I don't know how. I don't know how to fix myself this time, and I'm scared. I would give anything to simply rely on my blade and quench this bloodlust, but I made a promise...and she'll kill me if I break that promise...perkele...
Ups:
Well...really only one thing I can think of right now. My vacation time for Valentine's weekend is officially approved and on the schedule, so in 2 1/2 weeks I can be with my best friend for 4 whole days. Thank God. I need this. Mel needs this. We just have to hold out a little longer...17 days...
Anyway, gotta get my ass in gear. Huzzah.
I truly can't imagine how much stress you must be under from worrying about everything else to your own personal nightmares. You may not really know what to do but I suppose there is a small comfort to draw from knowing that you have good friends who will do anything to help, even if none of us know what to do yet. Even if you know this well, I'll still say it: We are here for you and we want you to lean on us. If it becomes overwhelming, tell us, cry and let it out in a frenzy. Just open the floodgates - who knows? You might feel marginally better afterwards. At any rate, we aren't going anywhere.
ReplyDeleteThe 4 days should do a lot of good for you both so I look forward to them for you, for that sake at least. I just want you to feel a bit better, at the very least *hugs*