"Body like a roadmap of pain..."

"...mind like a landfill of shame."

Allu, I love you. Truly, I do.

As much as I hate to admit this, and who doesn't?, I think I may have finally reached a breaking point. For real. I just...feel like I can't even breathe most of the time, lately. It's not a pleasant feeling and I really don't know what to do about it. I don;t know how much longer I can take this. And it's not even like I can really pinpoint the cause anymore. It's like everything is just piling on top of itself and the sheer weight of it all is threatening to crush me.

I want to kick and scream and cry and break things. I want to smash my fists into walls and throw things and listen to that crash when they shatter. And then I want to sit down and cut and get wasted and just forget about everything going on around me. But I can't. I can't do that, because I'm not "allowed" to fall apart. Everyone else around me has "issues" that are "real" or "more important" than what I'm "going through" (and I put all of that in quotations because it's nothing but pure bullshit, but I digress...) No one can see that I'm falling apart at the seams. No one can see that I'm fucked up beyond hope. No one sees that this pain is slowly killing me from the inside out...and yes, I know, that is partially my fault. I won't let them see. I won't let them understand. Because honestly? Even if I tried, they wouldn't understand. They can't understand...

I had a dream the other night. The same dream I've had thousands of times over the past nine and a half years. I dreamt of that horrible day when I held my cold, lifeless daughter in my arms; of that one moment, however heartbreaking and fleeting, where I was actually a mother. I know that she was dead long before I gave birth to her, but for that brief moment in time I felt like I was complete. And then they took her away from me, both in reality and in my dreams, and a piece of my heart went with her. With my angel. My one and only true love in this God forsaken world (ok, yes, I realize there are exceptions to this rule, and you know who you are...I love you all so dearly <3) This dream always fucks me up but, for some reason, it really tore me down, this time. I can't get the images out of my mind, and I can't erase the feeling of her cold body resting in my warm arms...fuck...

I know that I should go back on my medication. At the very least it keeps me from sinking so far down that I'm afraid that I'll drown in my own self-loathing at any moment. But I hate the way it makes me numb inside. I hate the way it takes all emotion away from me. It doesn't make me happy by any stretch of the imagination; it simply makes me lifeless, unable to feel. That's no way to live. I would rather suffer this pain a thousand times over than to spend the rest of my existence numb. I can't breathe when I can't feel...

Anyway...I could go on and on for hours, but since I'm at work, I suppose I should end this here. More to come. There's just so much going on in my head, heart and soul...not to mention all the shit on the outside...

*sigh*