...

I don't feel good. I suppose that's really no surprise; I always seem to be getting sick. Physically, I'm just tired...nothing new there. But that's not really what I'm talking about here.

My head is a mess. These past few months have been really hard for me, though I can't honestly pinpoint a reason why, not really anyway. I know that a lot has happened. I've been to Hell and back, both in my own mind and heart (which I won't bother getting into...it's not worth dredging it all up again right now, especially right before I try to go to sleep) and with a lot of things that have happened to me recently. Sure, there have been good times and good things, but all of that, as usual, seems to become overshadowed by the negative moments and events, because that's what tends to stick out the most in my mind. It's a lot harder to hold onto the smiles and laughs when you simply feel like crying 99% of the time.

I don't even know why I'm bothering to write this, because it's not like I really have anything to say. As I wrote above, I'm not going to bother with all the details of what I'm referring to; I know them inside and out, I relive them in my dreams every night, so putting them down here as words on a screen at this moment isn't going to help anything. True, you might say that it would help anyone who would run across this understand what I'm feeling, but that's not really necessary either. I've hurt enough people with these things, I refuse to do so to some innocent person who is simply surfing the internet and stumbles upon this blog out of boredom. In that respect, I fear I may have already said too much.

Sometimes I wish I could just get in my car and drive away, just disappear...leave this all behind and start over again. I know that sounds selfish, because I really, truly do have wonderful friends and a family who loves me dearly, and of course, I would miss them. I guess that wouldn't really solve any problems anyway, because no matter where I go or what I do, these demons will follow me; they are a part of me. But still, it would be nice to go away for awhile, on my own...it won't happen, and I know deep down that I don't really, really want it to, because as I said, there are a lot of really good, really happy moments, and those all involve my friends and family. But I can't help wishing it sometimes...I suppose I feel like, in a lot of ways, everyone is moving on without me...

Anyway, I'm tired and should sleep. I'm sure I'll think of more to write tomorrow, and perhaps that will be more coherent.