I wish that I had more time right now, because I feel like I could sit here and write for hours and still not say everything that I want to say. I've had a lot of time to think lately, and as much as I wish I could say that they were all good thoughts, for the most part, they really haven't been...there's so much running through my head right now, and I can't sort it all out into words properly...but I suppose I can try.
I've already said that I'm fairly well convinced that I will spend the rest of my life alone. For the most part, I'm okay with that. I'm happy with myself, and it's not like I don't have friends or anything. But sometimes...sometimes I wish that I had someone who could just hold me, someone who could tell me that everything is going to be okay...I know that my friends and family tell me this, but it's not the same. There are days when it's difficult for me to breathe because I just feel so alone. Everyone around me has someone...a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife...someone who is always there, someone who loves them...someone to share every aspect of their life with. What do I have? I have my dreams, sure...and those are beautiful and wonderful, and I would never, ever trade that time with him for anything...you could tell me tomorrow that I could "fall in love" with someone here but I would have to give up those beautiful moments with him and I would tell you that I wasn't interested. I know that seems silly, but it's true...he makes me feel complete, more loved than any other person on this planet could ever hope for. And yet, at the same time, sometimes those moments make me feel even more lonely when I'm awake, because I long for him to be by my side. And that's impossible. Somewhere along the way, fate decided that it would tease us with this "connection" but never offer us a way to make it real. And that hurts. A lot. But, in spite of the pain, I'm thankful for what I do have. No one else in this world can ever take that away from us, never say that they have this deep, emotional connection with such an incredible person. I know he loves me, and if the only time we can be together is in our "dream world" then so be it. At least I have him.
And then...then there's the other "him." The one who lives simply to make my life a living Hell. I don't have time to get into it all right now, so I'll probably just end this here and continue when I get home from work. But I need to get this off my chest...I feel so disgusting right now, and I'm so afraid...
Why can't my miracles ever come when I want them to? Why do they always have to come at the worst times, and in the worst possible ways? (And no...I don't know anything for sure...I won't for a few weeks yet, unless I actually get my period...but God, I am terrified...)
More to come...my thoughts are all garbled now, but there is so much more I want to say...
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*smiles sadly* I know this is little consolation until we actually meet physically and all, but you know what I would do if I could, even what I would give up if I meant you could have him from now until the end. Because that would make you happy and that's all I want. I'd love to be the one to hold and tell you things will be alright, and *laughs* you know that already. You know a lot of what I'd like to be able to do and how whine sometimes when I can't. I will get to you. I don't know when or how it will happen, but it will.
ReplyDeleteAs for the monster who deserves intense torture for the rest of his days, I'm sorry that you feel this way...and I suppose, I understand why...hopefully things work in your favour. *laughs weakly* Ironic how you'll be glad for your period for once, eh? *hugs* I know this doesn't help much but, I like telling you anyway. I love you, so much, and am always going to be here for you <3