I truly think that I am doomed to walk this world alone forever. It doesn't matter what I do, how hard I try, I'm never going to truly fit in anywhere. You'd think that I would be used to this by now, and most days, I'm fine with it. But there are times when it really, really hurts.
If I could put into words how I'm feeling right now, I would. Words have always been my greatest ally, my closest friend, my lifeline. My escapism, if you will. But lately, sometimes I feel like even they have abandoned me. I know what I want to say, but I can't seem to get it to come out right. And it's not even so much that I care if anyone else truly understands what I'm saying, because I know that's never going to happen at all, I've accepted that. But even I can't seem to get the real emotions behind my words lately. There are moments of brilliant inspiration, but they fade so quickly that I can't create anything even remotely complete. And it's very frustrating.
Of course, this seems to only apply to my poetry, which has always been my greatest outlet. Apparently, I don't have much trouble writing blog entries, because here I am, yammering on yet again. What is this, twice in three hours? Yeah, okay...
I just...I feel like there's something wrong with me. Something that doesn't fit. I know that I don't fit in, and I'm fine with that. I don't want to be like everyone else, I never have. But it's troubling when you start to feel like there's a part of you, on the inside, that doesn't fit with the rest of who you are. Then again, do I really know who I am at all, anyway? I mean...I do. I know what keeps me going, what I'm passionate about. I know my heart, and I wear it on my sleeve. But is that enough? Is anything ever enough? Can anyone truly know exactly who they are? Maybe...maybe not. I prefer to think that it's a constant search. Something that's never complete. Because really, that's what my whole life is based around-searching to find where I fit into this mess, as a whole. If I could just be alone, I'd be perfectly content. I get along with me just fine. I know me in relation to myself, but not when it concerns interactions with other people. I just...don't fit. *sighs* Now I sound like a broken record...
I should really sleep...yeah...sleep...
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Could I suggest something in relation to what you say about something not fitting?
ReplyDeleteIt might be that now you and the one you love are completely aware of the strong connection you share and the muse you share too, that it's not so much something doesn't fit but more so...something is absent, when it concerns your writing? Before you were aware of the link, you were able to write all the time. Perhaps now that you are completely conscious to it now, it'll make writing more of a challenge because...um...*laughs* I have no idea where I am going with this. Sorry. Maybe when you discovered that link, something shifted in you? Something...changed? Or maybe something else triggered it?
As for fitting in, you will always "fit in" around me and Mel and so on. I know that's not quite what you meant but you will always be an individual and oddly, individuals stick together like glue because we are usually outcasted and seen as some form of disease by others. I hope that helps to know you fit in our odd little group.
I hope that you get your muse more often - I worry when you aren't writing. *hugs*