So I said I was going to post this up last night, but I decided that I needed to calm down a bit before I sat down and wrote anything or I was going to end up saying something that I would regret. Unfortunately, I don't know that taking a night to "compose" myself actually worked, but we'll see how this goes...
We went to my grandmother's yesterday to try and straighten her apartment out for her, again, because she can never find anything. My mom and my sister went over there at 9, and I ended up getting there around 12. Mostly, we were just hanging pictures and such, putting her things in drawers where they made sense and sorting out the last few boxes that she hadn't unpacked yet. My grandmother was acting like a 2 year old, whining that she was tired, etc., bursting into tears and throwing temper tantrums, and finally, my mom blew up at her. Now, keep in mind that this has been going on for months and months...it just got to be too much. So we left and got my mom calmed down a bit, because she felt really bad about yelling at Granny, but then we had to go back out to pick up Gran's prescriptions and such, so we ended up going back to her apartment afterwards. That's when all Hell broke loose again. We finally confronted her about how she's been acting, told her that she doesn't make anyone want to be around her, and she just got angry and threw another fit, crying and swearing about how she's lonely and doesn't see anyone for weeks (that's a total lie...my mom goes over there 4 nights a week, my cousin every night, I see her at least every other weekend, if not more, my sister sees her whenever she's home...), how she needs to stop saying she wants to die all the time and learn that she can take a bath and wash her hair on her own and *sigh* I can't even do justice to what went down in that apartment with words. You just had to be there to really get it, I guess. Anyway, the point is that we talked and talked and talked, and I don't think she heard a word of it. She doesn't want to change. She just keeps saying she "can't help it" and "can't do this/that/whatever" all the time. I can't even count how many times she said she was going to kill herself yesterday, that she's tired of living and just wishes she would die. And the scary thing? She's attempted suicide before. Years ago, before I was born, but she still tried it. I don't know what to do anymore.
On top of all that, Granny upset Mom so much that Mom said she was just going to kill herself, which is really, really frightening. I don't know what I'd do without my mother, and it's really unfair that Granny is doing this to her. All she does is cry about it, because she feels like she's already in mourning for her mother, even though she's still alive. I hate seeing my mom like this...it beaks my heart, and she doesn't deserve it. At all. She busts her ass every day at work, goes over to my grandmother's to be bitched at and made to feel like shit the whole time she's there...and for what? Granny never even remembers that she's there! Apparently, my cousin, Maria, is the only one who ever visits her. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?
*breathes* I have more that I could say, but I'm really wasting my breath. And honestly, I have bigger problems right now...there's nothing anyone is ever going to do to change my grandmother, and sometimes I wish...*sighs* No, I won't say it. It's bad enough that I think it...
Meh, whatever. I'm sure I'll have another post up soon enough to deal with all the other bullshit in my life. Yeah...
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*hugs* As I said before, your grandmother reminds me of my sister and I nearly always find her unbearable. I can't imagine how your mother must feel and as I am going to give my mother a cuddle, you should too from me.
ReplyDeleteYou really don't need more crap heaped onto you right now, because I don't think it's helping at all. It seems too late for you grandmother to change now. She seems quite set in her ways and has probably been this way for a long time. People find it hard to switch direction once they've walked the same path for an age.
I don't think your mother meant what she said either, in the way of killing herself. I could be wrong but I think she was just so worked up by the hysterics she was driven to that she said something she didn't mean. She was probably frustrated, annoyed and quite upset that her obvious efforts go unnoticed and belittled.
Feel free to confide in me whenever you need to. I will always be here to listen <3