I woke up at 7:30 this morning, for some unknown reason. My eyes just popped open, and that was that. Granted, I dozed off and on again until about 10:30, but for the most part, I was, effectively, awake. Of course, had I actually been able to fall asleep when I went to bed last night, I would be fine. 6 hours of sleep would have been lovely. But no...no, I didn't actually fall asleep until around 3:30, so I got about 4, maybe 5 hours if you count all the lying there drifting in and out. Blargh. Needless to say, I'm relying quite heavily on coffee to get me through the day, and will probably end up crashing early. God I hope it's not busy at work tonight...
I think I'm just overly stressed out, lately. I haven't been sleeping well, I keep having panic attacks at random moments for no real reason (at least not any reason that I can identify...I'm sure my subconscious has its reasons ._.), and whenever I eat I just feel sick and 75% of the time end up throwing up anyway. Of course, I'm not surprised that I'm stressed out right now. I hate this month with a burning passion, and I have for years. Too many bad memories are crammed into these 31 days, and no matter how hard I try, I can't escape them. It doesn't even matter that I'm, basically, a completely different person now. Certain days and dates and other reminders send me tumbling back into that darkness that I lived in so many years ago...and it's not like the past few years were exactly stellar, either. I don't know. I wish we could just skip August and go straight to September. The weather sucks, my mind set sucks, and it always feels like everything comes to a screeching hault for 4 1/2 weeks. Blah. I miss being a kid and actually enjoying the summer...going swimming, heading off to amusement parks, taking day trips with my family...before everything got all screwed up...before I got all screwed up...
Anyway...enough procrastinating. Off to work.
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It sucks that you haven't been able to sleep properly due to all the stress you've been feeling lately, though I can't say you don't have damn good reason. Hopefully you get out at a decent hour tonight so you can try to get a few more hours of sleep.
ReplyDeleteI know you really don't like August and if it were possible, I'd happily do all in my power to have it erased from the year and go straight to September. I suppose the main differences between now and then are obvious anyway - you are a different person and you now have people who know your inner thoughts and feelings {well, most of them anyway} and are here for you. You've always had Tuo but now you have him in a way that no one else does on the planet and I don't need to tell you how special that is. And of course, as always, you have me to help get you through this month. If you need anything at all, just let me know and I'll do all I can to help <3
Love you *cuddles*