...something so, so much more than this. I just don't know what that something is, or how to go about finding it and obtaining it. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut, with nowhere to turn and no hope of ever getting out. It's frightening. I mean, I realize that my life is a lot different now than it was even 2 years ago, but God...
It's becoming harder and harder with each passing day to paint on that fake smile and go out and face the world like I don't have a care. Sometimes I honestly wish that the mask would crack, just once, and let people see what really happens inside my heart and head, see what emotions I really deal with on a daily basis. I wish that I could make that happen, but deep down, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of revealing too much of myself to the world around me, because I know how horrid and judgmental people can be. And yes, I know, that's a bit of a contradiction when you think about it...my poetry, which I have no qualms about posting all over the internet, is a crystal clear portrait of my heart and mind, and yet, I still have that feeling of being able to hide behind the words, to a point. Not everyone seems to realize that every word that flows from my fingers or lips is a direct insight into my soul...it makes it easier to say what I need to say and still cling to that little bit of anonymity.
*sigh*
I should go to sleep, I'm thinking too much. That's never a good thing.
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I suppose I can't say that I know how you feel because I can't ever truly know how you feel. You are such a unique person, even in your emotions...but I can say that I agree with you about letting people see inside more often, or at all. But, yes, people can be cruel and judgmental, even dismissive, which can be far worse than them not knowing. Knowing they know but don't care would probably hurt a Hell of a lot more. Still though, it would be nice to see who would care...who would try to help
ReplyDeleteAnd even if you did show them your poetry, even though it's direct enough if they are willing enough to go into it, they may still be mislead by metaphors. You have a way of saying exactly what you want to while sort of...avoiding bluntness but still being completely obvious by hiding the idea in plain sight {does that make sense?}
I don't know who I can trust around here, that's the problem. When I try to open up to my mother at all, she just seems to brush it off and tell me things like I "don't want to work" or "it's because of (my) weight" etc. It's ridiculous, but that's how it goes...and as far as a lot of my friends go, a) they're not really good with dealing with emotions, at all, and b) they all have big mouths, so even if I did find one I could trust, everyone else would know about it in a heartbeat. Not really worth it, when you weigh all the options.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, that does make sense. It's a gift, I think. Or a very cleverly perfected skill, perhaps, I'm not sure sometimes. All I know is I've been doing it since I could string words together...and I have the most amazing "guide" in the world when it comes to the subtle nuances of "hiding in plain sight."