........

I have come to the conclusion that I am never going to be good enough for anyone. I'm never going to be what they want me to be. I'm never going to get married, never going to go back to school and get a degree. I'll never be that perfect little girl that my parents wanted. I'm always going to be inadequate, and I thought for awhile that simply being happy with who I am (not that I ever really was or will be truly happy...but that's beside the point right now...) would be enough, but I realized tonight that it's not and it never will be.

I'm too fat. I'm too lazy. I'm irresponsible. I'm immature.

That's how they feel about me. How they really feel about me.

I know I'm overweight. I've been trying to eat better, but it's really hard when you have no money. You have to eat what's available, and let's face it, that's not much in this house. So, I asked my mother if I could ask my grandmother to borrow another $100 for groceries since I won't get paid for 3 weeks, and she completely blew up at me. Told me that I need to be more responsible with my money, and to make due with what we have at the house. Whatever. We have nothing at the house, so I'm just not going to eat. Should lose weight, an won't have to worry about money.

The brakes on my car need to be fixed. Gotta borrow money for that, too, since I haven't been able to work for a month. Hahaha. That makes me irresponsible too. Apparently, I should have saved up for this. Because, you know, I'm psychic and stuff.

My father thinks that all I do is sit on my ass and eat 24/7. Just another reason not to eat anymore. If I don't eat, he can't think that about me.

I will never, ever be good enough for them. And that hurts so much. Because I love them. I love my mother and father, my sister and brother. I love my family more than anything. But hearing what they really think and feel about me...I can't help but wonder...maybe they don't really love me...

"They say drinking is a way to die. But at the end...dying is a way to drink..." Cheers, Allu.