...I just want to cry...

...but no tears will come. I hate it when I get like this. There's no real reason for it, nothing that pushed me over the edge. It's simply life weighing down on me, and I guess it got to be too much. There are times when I don't want to cry and I can't stop, but now when I really, really just want to break down and sob, I simply can't. I don't understand. But then again not much about me really makes any sense, so...

I can't stop thinking about something that my mother said to me the other day. I was going to quit smoking and then worry about losing weight once I was doing better with the cigarettes, but she actually sat me down and said she would rather I smoke as much as I want if I would just please, please lose weight. She said it makes her sad to look at me because she knows that being as overweight as I am, I'm missing out on the prime of my life. That I will never attract anyone to love me the way I am now. And that she worries that it's going to start affecting my health. I know that she's worried about me, and it hurts me to worry her like that. And I'm trying my damnedest, God knows, but it's really hard...

Food has always been a source of comfort for me. I know that started when I was little, because my great grandmother who used to babysit us, would feed us all whatever we wanted. I've always been fat. Always. Except for when I was born, I was a fairly little infant. I eat when I'm unhappy, because it gives me some strange sense of comfort that not many other things do. I also cut when I'm unhappy, especially when food is being withheld from me or doesn't seem to have the desired effect. I don't want to go back to cutting myself every day, but if I'm going to diet, it may come down to that. *sigh*

And what's worse? I don't know why I'm so unhappy. I have a good job, I have a family who loves me, friends who love me and care about me unconditionally...but I also have demons. A lot of demons. Buried so deep in my mind and heart that sometimes I'm not even sure that I, myself, realize how many of them there are. They come and go to a point, but in the end, they're always there. And they frighten me. They make me feel things that I don't want to feel, and that makes letting in the love and caring that my friends and family give to me rather difficult. I don't feel like I'm worthy of it, because I am so broken inside. And that makes me feel hopeless. Maybe I would take care of myself better if I truly felt like there was hope for me, but at the end of it all, I don't. And I don't know why.

People tell me that I'm pretty, but I don't believe them. When I look in the mirror I see an ugly, fat girl who should just hide away from the world because everyone around me would be better off without me. Without my mood swings and horrible thoughts and anger...and I have tried to kill myself. Countless times. I suppose it's only ever a half hearted effort, because deep down, I don't really want to die. I just don't want to live like this anymore. But I don't know how to change. I don't really know what to do to make myself feel like I have something to offer to this world. And I know that no one else can give this to me, find this for me. It's something I have to do on my own. I just wish someone could point me in the right direction, because I'm so lost right now...

*sighs again* And this is while taking anti depressants. This is my thought process on medication. Can you imagine how much worse it was before I started taking them?

Fuck it...nothing ever helps...and nothing ever will...